Lord, Are You Speaking To Me or Is It Just the Baseline?

Last night my husband and I attended a concert/worship session with Paul Baloche at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. They are in the midst of a 3-day worship conference called "Enter".

The event was a bit of an odd experience for me. I grew up in churches that placed high stock in worship...that is "praise and worship". The worship services at church seemed to be the point in time everyone longed for throughout the week. It was the emotional place, the place where you sought God for that emotional high that would carry you through the following week. I remember dancing to the song "Jehovah Jireh, My Provider" and the next step of then going forward for prayer. They wouldn't stop praying until you were slain in the spirit. I remember laying on the floor a few times thinking in my head "How long do I have to stay down to make this seem real"? There was some odd stuff that happened at that church. I'm sure that God was present, because God is faithful to meet us, and yet I know that a lot of what went on was deeply influenced by stuff that is definitely theologically suspect if not in some cases downright spiritual manipulation.

When we came to our current church, it was a different denomination, but some of the same things were going on. Still seeking to feel God, both Eddie and I felt that it was a fit for us. But over the last 9 years, my understanding of faith and a relationship with Christ has changed.

Yesterday evening is the first time in about 7 or 8 years that I've been in setting where people have come for the sole purpose of a special place of worship and hearing from God. Without being totally aware of what was happening in me, my initial response was cynicism. I questioned use of group dynamics to create a particular feeling, I judged the guy in front of us who was jumping up and down with some weird head movement thing going on. Emotionally and spiritually, my arms were crossed and I began closing down in a type of fear response.


Until the song, "Praise Adonai" came on. There was a point in the song that either God broke through my initial response or I simply succumbed to the baseline heartbeat of the music. But the breakthrough wasn't a highly emotional thing for me, but a reminder of the path I've been on in my own process.

The first thing that went through my mind was that it the gentleman in front of me has every right to jump up and down and do odd head movements. It's none of my concern how he and God do business. That's between them and I can keep my grubby little hands (or in this case, thought) out of it.

Second, though, was some grappling with how faith, life and relationship with God look like for me. In my own reaction against the feelings of manipulation, both of me and of the purpose of the Holy Spirit in our lives, I pushed much in the way of emotion out of my relationship with God. That's actually a fairly easy thing for me as I tend towards being a thinker anyway. But the question that kept prodding my mind last night was whether closing that emotional door entirely was healthy for me. If not, what does the integration of intellect and emotion look like in my life, 'cause I'm pretty sure there won't be any jumping and head-bobbing for me in the near future?

So, whether it was just the baseline, or God's prodding, last night's worship ended up being much more thought-provoking than I would have originally thought.

By the way, here is an acoustic recording of Praise Adonai. It really is a beautiful song.