Wisdom and Selflessness

I am currently working on two areas of personal growth (ongoing of course, but I'm particularly aware of the work they need at the moment)!

The first is wisdom...or in my case, lack thereof. In the past year, I feel literally drenched in new ideas and insights. Intrinsically, I knew there was a big world of ideas "out there", but felt very unsure as to whether I could delve into that world and still be a Christ-follower. For instance, can you really be a Democrat and a Christian. (By the way, I really hate admitting this. I've always thought of myself as pretty open, but I apparently the measuring stick I was using to judge my openness was pretty short). The ideas and concepts that have formulated within me and that God is addressing in my personal life seem to always be bubbling at the surface. They are constantly in my thoughts. I look out at the world with new glasses...I see clarity, I feel peace. Then, I look at people around me and I want desparately to share my glasses. I'm finding that "share" is not quite descriptive of what I want to do, though. It's usually wrip off their glasses and quickly shove mine on their face. This is where I desperately need wisdom to grace my attitudes, actions and relationships. The Divine has reached into my life and opened a world of hope. I want others to journey with me. But, it doesn't seem to be working well to drage them along. Fighting appears ineffective in sharing this hope...hmmm...who would've imagined? So, how do I share? When do I share? When do I press harder? Wisdom. Highly necessary.

The second is selflessness. You see, I have this mission, this vision...for me. Yikes. There it is. In writing. God spoke into my life a call to ministry almost a year ago. Looking back, it is obvious to me that this call has been in place for a long time, but last October, I really heard it. I could no longer deny it. In taking on the identity of a woman called into ministry, I have also taken on a battle, though. No, it's not always that. Most times there is tremendous encouragement. But in a conservative, fundamentalist-leaning evangelical community, there are certainly those that believe women are not cut out for church ministry. I've been fighting this battle for me, for my own self-esteem and my own acceptance. It's been all about proving I'm right or that I'm OK. That God really does love me. It's not that the issue doesn't need addressed. It's all about my attitude and motivations. Do I want esteem for me, to glorify me and my talents or do I want the God of the Universe and Caretaker of my Soul to be glorified? Am I called to be served, acknowledged and provided for or am I called to serve, acknowledge and provide for others? I think the answers to those questions are self-evident.

This girl has some work to do.

Growing Up

It's amazing to me how often I revert to the same behavior I see in my children. Of course, my children's behavior is most likely a result of me. In fact, my middle kiddo does this really annoying grunt a me whenever he doesn't like what I've asked him to do. I was getting really upset, but then I found myself doing the same thing to him. Not quite sure who's influencing who...

Well, anyway, I'm attempting "grown-up" behavior. Good luck to me, eh?

Entirely Possible?

It's been a good week. Despite a crazy, busy schedule, Thursday night was a family jam/dance session in the basement and last night was wrestling mania. I feel balance when "work" (in all it's various forms) is balanced with familiy needs.

I've been thinking about that balance this week after reading an article in a minstry journal. The particular volume is focused on women in ministry, but this article is titled, "What's a Ministry Wife To Do?" I found the title interesting considering the focus of the volume, so decided to read more. Much of what was said was valuable; we all have a story, our call to serve people in ministry comes from following those who have taught us and from jumping in ourselves, that the most important people in the world are those we're called to serve.

My sensitivies were aroused when I read the following; "My mother, an ordained minister, took seriously the preaching and teaching part of ministry, but you can be sure the roast beef dinner was ready to adorn the pre-set table right after Sunday morning service. She did it all and loved it." The article was closed out with, "An integration of ministry and family is entirely possible."

Probably as a result of my current commitments, I'm not so sure about that integration being possible or whether it looks like what this particular author has described. My mom was terrific at having Sunday dinner ready. I, on the other hand, lean towards left-overs from Friday's pizza nights or PB&J sandwhiches for after-church fare. I don't think I can manage the role of perfection in all these areas. In fact, I'm pretty sure I can't come close!

I do know that what I do, I want to do in service to God. Some days that means my family gets less of me so that I can fulfill needs in another area. Other days, ministry and other work commitments are laid to the side so that I can be an effective mom and wife. Integration, for me, is an ongoing and constant challenge and most of the time I feel pulled in several directions and feel as if I am not doing well in anything.

So, is integration possible? I would say yes...but the integration balances out in weeks/months sometimes rather than hours or minutes. Is it "entirely possible"? I'm thinking not so much.