Perspective

I branched out past my comfort zone today and made muffins with my kids. Making muffins wasn't really the big deal, it was letting all three of my children help. I wish I could say I'm patient, but if I did, it would be a blatent lie. Between fighting over whose turn it is, spilling flour on the floor or putting sticky fingers in whatever it is we are making, I usually feel like I'm in a zoo with wild monkeys when I let them help. But we had a great time working together this morning. I'm glad I branched out.

As we were taking turns measuring pooring and mixing, I was letting Aaron, my oldest go first since he was closest to me. I was thinking to myself that I needed to let the others go first. So, when we went to stir in the cranberries, I gave the wooden spoon to Nate. Aaron then completely surprised me. He said, "Mom, I never get to go first." I was dumbfounded. Where had he been for the last 5 steps of our process? He got to go first each time.

He didn't remember though. It was when he was picked to go second that he paid attention to the order of turn-taking. It made me think. So many times I get protective of me; of where I'm at in a social situation, of how God or others are "treating" me. I wonder if I'm that blind to the real situation. I'm guessing I am.

Hmmm...

The Emotionally Healthy Church and Grieving

I've just finished a book called "The Emotionally Healthy Church". The book was recommended to me by my coach for the NCD process at our church.

It's a pretty good book, with the overarching premise that you cannot grow spiritually if you are not growning emotionally. Basically, you can do all the good in the world, but if not for the right reasons, you're not really growing spiritually.

There is one thought in the process that has captured my thoughts for the last week; Grieving is a gift given to me by God to deal with life's disappointments and hurts.

It's been a pretty rough few months for me. This fall we found out that one of our kids has a delay in motor development, possibly motor planning. My dad was in the hospital for 2 weeks as a result of a bad retroperiteneal bleed, my brother just had back surgery again and my husband's health has deteriorated as he's attempting a new treatment for diabetes. All of this in addition to trying to maintain a very busy life with our kids and too much commitment at church. I've pushed on in everything despite being tired, feeling overwhelmed and often times angry.

I have not allowed what has happened around me to penetrate my soul and incorporate it into who I am. I've held in on the outside, as if somehow it doesn't touch me. I'm not effected by it. I have not grieved.

I'd like to say I can press on, but that's just not true.

I am sad that Nate's developement is within the "normal" category. Actually, quite frankly, I'm disappointed that he's not at the top of the curve. The ability to get things done and general intelligence stuff is a big deal in my family. We're pretty competitive that way. Nate is very smart, but his way of doing life won't fit into most people's boxes. I'm sad about that. Not fitting into people's boxes can make life rough. I don't want that for him. And yet, when I put it on paper (so to speak) I don't really want him to fit in a box anyway. I really just want him to be happy. Right now he is. So, as I grieve, I want to show him that I love him for who he is, not who I wish he was.

I grieve for my dad, who has always been the picture of health. We all pray he will be that again. But in the process, I have new awareness that my parents are aging and I think it stinks! I want to have them forever, but I am learning to truly enjoy them now.

I grieve for my brother and his family. Life has dealt them a series of blows and I'm pissed of about it. They need time to heal. They need time to learn to deal with the "little" things in life, rather than always dealing with crises. I pray for them peace and strength. I pray that I can support and not feel responsible for who they become in the process.

I grieve for Eddie. Eddie's the coolest guy and the most incredible husband. I want health for him. I feel angry that he has to deal with this disease and that as a result, our family does as well.

So, with my dirty laundry on the table, the question I have for myself is how do I incorporate these disapponitments into my life rather than continuing to push them out? I'm not quite sure. I've started with a good cry. Hopefully God will meet me here.