Perspective

I branched out past my comfort zone today and made muffins with my kids. Making muffins wasn't really the big deal, it was letting all three of my children help. I wish I could say I'm patient, but if I did, it would be a blatent lie. Between fighting over whose turn it is, spilling flour on the floor or putting sticky fingers in whatever it is we are making, I usually feel like I'm in a zoo with wild monkeys when I let them help. But we had a great time working together this morning. I'm glad I branched out.

As we were taking turns measuring pooring and mixing, I was letting Aaron, my oldest go first since he was closest to me. I was thinking to myself that I needed to let the others go first. So, when we went to stir in the cranberries, I gave the wooden spoon to Nate. Aaron then completely surprised me. He said, "Mom, I never get to go first." I was dumbfounded. Where had he been for the last 5 steps of our process? He got to go first each time.

He didn't remember though. It was when he was picked to go second that he paid attention to the order of turn-taking. It made me think. So many times I get protective of me; of where I'm at in a social situation, of how God or others are "treating" me. I wonder if I'm that blind to the real situation. I'm guessing I am.

Hmmm...

The Emotionally Healthy Church and Grieving

I've just finished a book called "The Emotionally Healthy Church". The book was recommended to me by my coach for the NCD process at our church.

It's a pretty good book, with the overarching premise that you cannot grow spiritually if you are not growning emotionally. Basically, you can do all the good in the world, but if not for the right reasons, you're not really growing spiritually.

There is one thought in the process that has captured my thoughts for the last week; Grieving is a gift given to me by God to deal with life's disappointments and hurts.

It's been a pretty rough few months for me. This fall we found out that one of our kids has a delay in motor development, possibly motor planning. My dad was in the hospital for 2 weeks as a result of a bad retroperiteneal bleed, my brother just had back surgery again and my husband's health has deteriorated as he's attempting a new treatment for diabetes. All of this in addition to trying to maintain a very busy life with our kids and too much commitment at church. I've pushed on in everything despite being tired, feeling overwhelmed and often times angry.

I have not allowed what has happened around me to penetrate my soul and incorporate it into who I am. I've held in on the outside, as if somehow it doesn't touch me. I'm not effected by it. I have not grieved.

I'd like to say I can press on, but that's just not true.

I am sad that Nate's developement is within the "normal" category. Actually, quite frankly, I'm disappointed that he's not at the top of the curve. The ability to get things done and general intelligence stuff is a big deal in my family. We're pretty competitive that way. Nate is very smart, but his way of doing life won't fit into most people's boxes. I'm sad about that. Not fitting into people's boxes can make life rough. I don't want that for him. And yet, when I put it on paper (so to speak) I don't really want him to fit in a box anyway. I really just want him to be happy. Right now he is. So, as I grieve, I want to show him that I love him for who he is, not who I wish he was.

I grieve for my dad, who has always been the picture of health. We all pray he will be that again. But in the process, I have new awareness that my parents are aging and I think it stinks! I want to have them forever, but I am learning to truly enjoy them now.

I grieve for my brother and his family. Life has dealt them a series of blows and I'm pissed of about it. They need time to heal. They need time to learn to deal with the "little" things in life, rather than always dealing with crises. I pray for them peace and strength. I pray that I can support and not feel responsible for who they become in the process.

I grieve for Eddie. Eddie's the coolest guy and the most incredible husband. I want health for him. I feel angry that he has to deal with this disease and that as a result, our family does as well.

So, with my dirty laundry on the table, the question I have for myself is how do I incorporate these disapponitments into my life rather than continuing to push them out? I'm not quite sure. I've started with a good cry. Hopefully God will meet me here.

Book Review

OK...so the stay-at-home mom has come up with something to be published on "The Ooze". Do you think they'll find me out...(really a wanna-be smart person in a stay-at-home mom body)! :)

Book Review

What's Love Got To Do With It?

I've been reading the book "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. It's terrific!

He has a chapter titled, "Lifeboat: How to Kill Your Neighbor". Of course, the title itself got me hooked! :)

But then, I started reading...

He talks about a class discussion he had in school. There were several people on a boat (Doctor, Lawyer, Pregnant lady, Child with a disability, etc). There wasn't enough room on the boat, so the class had to decide which one was to be thrown overboard. The class had a great discussion, but it didn't even occur to them that placing value in this way had legitimate issues. Miller goes on to use this lifeboat scenario as an analogy of our lives apart from Christ. We see ourselves in a lifeboat and have to proclaim our worth, our value as well as decide the worth of others around us so that we can justify our place on the boat.

Absolutely amazing! Mostly because, quite ashamedly, I see this in my own relationships (or lack thereof).

Miller goes on to say that Jesus was all about turning over this mentality. We don't have to be on a lifeboat, judged and valued by a "jury of peers." We are loved, emphatically loved, by God. That changes everything. It's no longer about positioning myself, it's no longer about being defined by the opinions of others toward me. Rather, it's all about the fact that God loved me so much that he sent Jesus to die in order to reconcile me to him and to receive the pure love he offers. When I recognize that, it changes my motivations and behaviors.

Declaration for Women

I just received the newsletter from our community Women's Crisis Center and it included a declaration from the Faith Trust Institute. The declaration is signed by several religious leaders, including Brian McLaren.

I shared it with my pastor and it sounds liken he's going to highlight this declaration as well as the local statistics on domestic violence and our opportunity to get involved with the local crisis center. We're doing this Sunday, November 19th (November 25th is International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women).

Declaration

Wisdom and Selflessness

I am currently working on two areas of personal growth (ongoing of course, but I'm particularly aware of the work they need at the moment)!

The first is wisdom...or in my case, lack thereof. In the past year, I feel literally drenched in new ideas and insights. Intrinsically, I knew there was a big world of ideas "out there", but felt very unsure as to whether I could delve into that world and still be a Christ-follower. For instance, can you really be a Democrat and a Christian. (By the way, I really hate admitting this. I've always thought of myself as pretty open, but I apparently the measuring stick I was using to judge my openness was pretty short). The ideas and concepts that have formulated within me and that God is addressing in my personal life seem to always be bubbling at the surface. They are constantly in my thoughts. I look out at the world with new glasses...I see clarity, I feel peace. Then, I look at people around me and I want desparately to share my glasses. I'm finding that "share" is not quite descriptive of what I want to do, though. It's usually wrip off their glasses and quickly shove mine on their face. This is where I desperately need wisdom to grace my attitudes, actions and relationships. The Divine has reached into my life and opened a world of hope. I want others to journey with me. But, it doesn't seem to be working well to drage them along. Fighting appears ineffective in sharing this hope...hmmm...who would've imagined? So, how do I share? When do I share? When do I press harder? Wisdom. Highly necessary.

The second is selflessness. You see, I have this mission, this vision...for me. Yikes. There it is. In writing. God spoke into my life a call to ministry almost a year ago. Looking back, it is obvious to me that this call has been in place for a long time, but last October, I really heard it. I could no longer deny it. In taking on the identity of a woman called into ministry, I have also taken on a battle, though. No, it's not always that. Most times there is tremendous encouragement. But in a conservative, fundamentalist-leaning evangelical community, there are certainly those that believe women are not cut out for church ministry. I've been fighting this battle for me, for my own self-esteem and my own acceptance. It's been all about proving I'm right or that I'm OK. That God really does love me. It's not that the issue doesn't need addressed. It's all about my attitude and motivations. Do I want esteem for me, to glorify me and my talents or do I want the God of the Universe and Caretaker of my Soul to be glorified? Am I called to be served, acknowledged and provided for or am I called to serve, acknowledge and provide for others? I think the answers to those questions are self-evident.

This girl has some work to do.

Growing Up

It's amazing to me how often I revert to the same behavior I see in my children. Of course, my children's behavior is most likely a result of me. In fact, my middle kiddo does this really annoying grunt a me whenever he doesn't like what I've asked him to do. I was getting really upset, but then I found myself doing the same thing to him. Not quite sure who's influencing who...

Well, anyway, I'm attempting "grown-up" behavior. Good luck to me, eh?

Entirely Possible?

It's been a good week. Despite a crazy, busy schedule, Thursday night was a family jam/dance session in the basement and last night was wrestling mania. I feel balance when "work" (in all it's various forms) is balanced with familiy needs.

I've been thinking about that balance this week after reading an article in a minstry journal. The particular volume is focused on women in ministry, but this article is titled, "What's a Ministry Wife To Do?" I found the title interesting considering the focus of the volume, so decided to read more. Much of what was said was valuable; we all have a story, our call to serve people in ministry comes from following those who have taught us and from jumping in ourselves, that the most important people in the world are those we're called to serve.

My sensitivies were aroused when I read the following; "My mother, an ordained minister, took seriously the preaching and teaching part of ministry, but you can be sure the roast beef dinner was ready to adorn the pre-set table right after Sunday morning service. She did it all and loved it." The article was closed out with, "An integration of ministry and family is entirely possible."

Probably as a result of my current commitments, I'm not so sure about that integration being possible or whether it looks like what this particular author has described. My mom was terrific at having Sunday dinner ready. I, on the other hand, lean towards left-overs from Friday's pizza nights or PB&J sandwhiches for after-church fare. I don't think I can manage the role of perfection in all these areas. In fact, I'm pretty sure I can't come close!

I do know that what I do, I want to do in service to God. Some days that means my family gets less of me so that I can fulfill needs in another area. Other days, ministry and other work commitments are laid to the side so that I can be an effective mom and wife. Integration, for me, is an ongoing and constant challenge and most of the time I feel pulled in several directions and feel as if I am not doing well in anything.

So, is integration possible? I would say yes...but the integration balances out in weeks/months sometimes rather than hours or minutes. Is it "entirely possible"? I'm thinking not so much.

Focus

"...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admmirable-if anything is excellent or priaseowrhty-think about such things." - Phillipians 4:8

This week, I have been prone to saturate myself in thoughts that don't measure up to this verse of scripture. My brother has been asking me to read the outline for a paper that talks about living "outside the body". I think the ability to dwell on noble, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praise-worthy thoughts does force one to move outside of his or her self, outside normal thought patterns and begin to view circumstances and situations from the viewpoint of God. When perspective changes from self-centered to other-centered, I look at situations differently and accordingly, I act different. I want to think different...I want to act different.

Where Do You Dump Your Junk?

Where do you dump your junk? That's my question of the day. Maybe the week, month or year at this point!

This particular thought entered my mind, I think by God's divine intervention, while writing in my journal this morning. You see, yesterday I took my son Nate in for a follow up evaluation on speech development. He is in the bell-curve, but definately border line on the bottom. As we drove home together in the car after a stop at Starbuck's to enjoy some mommy-son time, I struggled with my desires for Nate's success in life. Not that the speech delay will necessarily be a big deal...but the stubbornness in his little personality may very well! I want the very best for Nate. Ultimately, he makes his own decisions, though. As parents, Eddie and I guide him and walk with him through life, but he will be responsible for the decisions he makes.

Nate's stubborness manifested itself in a gruesome way upon our return home. He chose, for the hundreth time, not to use the potty for his excretory functions...twice. My frustration mounted. We've been working on this issue now since January and the child has no intention of cooperating with our grand plan of freedom for him in this area of his physical development! As I was writing this in my journal this morning, lamenting my potty-training woes, a thought forced it's way into my mind, "Amy, where do you dump your junk?"

Frankly, I was flabergasted! First, who knew God could speak to me in the midst of such crude functions of life? Second, ouch! That hurt! I am as bad as my son in this area, actually worse since he's 3 1/2 and I'm 32. God wants me, is trying to teach me, to rely on him. He knows what's best for me and desires for me to make the right choices in my life. He wants me to mature, to grow. And yet, when difficult times come my way, I don't turn to my Creator. For that matter, I often don't turn to him during the good times of life, either. Instead, I rely on myself, friends, vegging out at the computer. I'm not good at releasing my issues and joys to the one who created me, the one who has promised to stay with me, to comfort me, to nourish me, to help me grow.

I've been dumping my junk in the wrong place, too. God wants the best for me and I have continued doing life my way.

The difference between God & me in this potty-training metaphor is the way we deal with the offending party! Poor Nate got an earful yesterday of why my way was right! God, on the other hand, spoke love and healing to my heart.

Loving Relationships

"Loving Relationships". That's the lowest quality factor in our church's quality survey by the Institute of Natural Church Development. That's also the committee I'll be leading over the next 6 monts to 1 year to strategize & implement changes specific to this area.

The survey seems a bit sterile on the surface, but the opportunity is truly amazing. The point really is not a big church, big numbers, make the gospel attractive to attract people..what we normally consider church growth strategies. The opportunity is meeting needs; creating a healthy atmosphere in which God can better move through structures, relationships, worship, leadership and ministry.

I'm fascinated to see where this goes. I am hoping...praying...that what is done by the team and the church makes a difference in the lives of people.

It's Been A While

Wow...when I logged on and realized it's been two months since I've been on, I laughed! Obviously, I haven't had much time to "stop" lately! :)

It's been a busy two months and I'm learning some important lessons. My growth group discussed what God is teaching each of us last week. It's been a while since I've thought about that. After reflection, I think I'm learning to wait. I've spent the last couple months frustrated at trying to pursue ministry and still meet the needs of my family. The family has lost out and as a result, so have I. I am now trying to refocus. Really, my success with my husband and children will be no match for success anywhere else in life. It's just really difficult to reconcile that with diaper changing...especially for our 3 1/2 year old that seems determined to use pull-ups forever!

I am really excited about my growth group! Four of us are meeting about every other week and we're starting to form a stable foundation. The relationships are beginning to gel and trust is being built. I'm also excited about our new life group. We're reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. The group is very open and has a great mix of people in various stages of their spiritual journey.

I'm waiting, but I already see things happening. Not such a bad place to be.

Emerging Women's ReGathering

I returned last night from an emergent women's "re-gathering" in McCordsville, IN. It was an incredible weekend for me. I can't help but think of the line in a popular older worship chorus stating, "This is holy ground, I'm standing on holy ground. For the Lord is present and where He is is holy."

This weekend was holy ground for me. God was present in my life in a way that is near impossible to communicate in words, but here are a few that begin the process: confirmation, permission, acceptance, peace, direction. I am learning to confidently and humbly proclaim that God has called me to be a pastor. This journey may be long and fraught with both challenges and joys, but it is not a call from which I can turn. So I accept the call and rejoice in the fact that as I walk this road, I am not alone.

Prayer and Understanding God

Our church is doing a series on questions. Easter was "Why Jesus?" This Sunday is about prayer...specifically, is there a reason God doesn't answer my prayers. Am I not good enough? Am I doing it wrong? In doing very minimal research to help our pastor, God has spoken to my heart about prayer in my life. This view on prayer is not a result of unending research, but rather personal experience and need. It's been a rather tough week as my brother struggles through a battle in his life...one that effects those that love him dearly. So, here are my thoughts:

It seems to me when I read about prayer in the Bible, specifically the New Testament, the goal of prayer is not our personal comfort and wishes. In 1 Cor. 13:9, Paul prays for the perfection of the Corinthian believers. In Phil 1:9, the prayer is for the love of the believers growth in knowledge and insight for the purpose of discernment. Phil 4:6 states that we should not be anxious, but with prayer and petition make our requests know to God. The result of this is not a perfect situation, easily handled, but God's peace. James 1:5 states that God will give wisdom to those who ask and believe. James 4:2-3 states that they do not have because they do not ask God and that when they do ask, they ask with wrong motives...motives that are selfish and concerned with their own well-being and personal pleasures. Because of this, their prayers are not answered.

I've been reading "Adventures in Missing the Point" by Tony Campolo and Brian McLaren. In McLaren's response to Campolo's chapter on Theology, he addresses the way we approach God and shares quotes from a poem by C.S. Lewis. I found the poem online and have included it below.

He whom I bow to only knows to whom I bow
When I attempt the ineffable Name, murmuring Thou,
And dream of Pheidian fancies and embrace in heart
Symbols (I know) which cannot be the thing Thou art.
Thus always, taken at their word, all prayers blaspheme
Worshiping with frail images a folk-lore dream,
And all men in their praying, self-deceived, address
The coinage of their own unquiet thoughts, unless
Thou in magnetic mercy to Thyself divert
Our arrows, aimed unskillfully, beyond desert;
And all men are idolaters, crying unheard
To a deaf idol, if Thou take them at their word.

Take not, O Lord, our literal sense. Lord, in thy great
Unbroken speech our limping metaphor translate.

What an incredibly powerful thought! Humanity constantly struggles to understand God. We have images and frameworks, but they rest on our own personal experience, through traditions passed down to us; all of these incomlete. We see through the glass dimly.

I was listening to a CD my husband left in the car over the weekend and heard a song that caught me right where I'm at. The song is by a band called "Down Here". I can't seem to find a CD by them or a website, but the song is on the 2002 WOW CD. The words are as follows;

I knew the times would come, and now the times have landed
With sting and abrasion.
As ready as I seem to be, it's never like I planned it.

I'm wrestling my thoughts, I'm overcome
Would you give me death, I'm asking Lord.
There's nowhere I sense your presence here
So I will cry out until I go...

From protest to praise, You're always amazing me.
Your changing me slowly but surely and
You're going to see me to the end.

How long will I be forgotten by you forever
Cause you're not making sense here.
It seems like eternity has made a home between us.
I'm wrestling my thoughts I'm overcome...

What captured me in the words of this song is that sometimes life doesn't make sense. It's hard and it's painful. But the journey from protest to praise is where God wants to meet me. In my own life, my prayer is that God moves me from protest to praise.

Family

We flew back home yesterday after a 4-day weekend visiting in-laws in Phoenix. The weather there was lovely and we had a terrific time, with the exception of a few mishaps along the way. Besides almost loosing a laptop, a potty-training disaster and a swallowed transformer part, we also went without naps for the weekend...anyone with young children knows that can be a disaster in the making. But, in spite of all this we enjoyed swim time in their pool, sight-seeing and most of all hanging out with family.

That is actually the beauty of family. We can have a bad day, a bad week or a bad year and we stick with each other because that's what it's all about. Developing that type of relationship outside the family is much more difficult. It's so easy to give up when things get tough. It's usually easier to walk away when there are no future family functions to endure together! I know I struggle with that.

I'm going to be part of a "Life Transformation Group" with 3 other ladies beginning next week. It's kind of an accountability group. I'm interested to see how this goes. Will this be the start of a true, life-giving relationship with these women? I hope so.

A Place to Start...and Stop

A Stopping Spot. That's pretty much what I need in my life right now. A place to stop. A place to think. You see, I keep pretty busy. I'm a wife, a mother of three, a friend, a worker, a "domestic engineer" (what a title, eh)!

And in the midst of this day to day life, I'm discovering Life. Life given through Jesus Christ. Or rather, Life through Jesus is finding me. I've actually been a Christian for most of my life. I'm not rebellious by nature, so never turned away from my faith to find myself. But I started a journey last Fall while chairing a committee on women in ministry at my church that has captured my mind...and my heart. It seems that there are many people on this same journey and I'm excited to join them.

This is my stopping spot. My opportunity to think out loud, or in this case, in black-and-white.