What to do, what to do...

I normally sleep really well. I consider it a particular blessing in life as I know many people who consistently struggle to get a good night's sleep.

Last night I could sympathize with some of my sleepless friends. I woke up around midnight and didn't manage to get back to sleep until about 3:30. My mind started racing and for a period of time it was in a wild panic. About what? Money. Plain and simple. This fall I'm taking out my first loan as I continue to work on my Master's degree. By the time I'm done, I'll have a sizable debt load. Honestly, it probably wouldn't be a problem if it were a business degree. But, it's a rather less practical degree in Old Testament! Add to that that I'm a woman approaching middle age with children that need braces (initial consultation scheduled for next week) and a host of other family needs. So often, when I look at what I'm doing it seems supremely impractical. The likelihood of a related job upon completion of my degree (that will help me pay off the debt I incur in the process) is not high.

Well, much to think over at this point. I think I'll go grab some coffee first, though.

As Is...

"Dream God-sized dreams" is a phrase I've heard for most of my life in the church. There's nothing wrong with dreaming big. In fact, I am often so overwhelmed with the requirements of life that I fail to look up and see the bigger story taking place around me. Yet, when these big dreams thwart individuals from experiencing the everyday glory of life, when the visions eliminate engagement in the "real" world, we've missed the point.

Krista Finch, in her spiritual memoir As Is: Unearthing Commonplace Glory, seeks to identify God's presence amidst the boring, messy, and ultimately beautiful parts of life. These are the moments we we normally forget to invite God to and as a result continually fail to see his faithful presence. Finch's descriptions and observations are easy to relate to, made particularly charming in her presentation.

Although this book could be read in a few short sittings, it is better enjoyed in snippets. A story or two at a time, savored and explored. Each one a reminder of the beauty, fear, and mess inextricably mixed with glory too often neglected.

My favorite story of the book closes with a quote that resonates with me. Finch states, "...hope is an odd cat. That's probably why we don't entertain her very often. Everything around us tells us not to invite her in. Hospitals can't heal, wars don't end, bonds won't mend. We've asked hope to come, and she has left us high and dry. Why would we summon that kind of company; the kind of company that shows up late, brings rude friends, or ignores our requests altogether? Hope just doesn't look like we think she should look. She changes her hair color and gets a new wardrobe just when we start to recognize her." (p. 116).

That's just what I found in this book; hope. Hope that God is active in the little details, the things overlooked and considered unworthy. Glory is found in those very moments.

An Introvert's Dilemna

I've noticed over the last several weeks and underlying longing to encircle myself with home, books, and the lovely comforts of all that is familiar and safe. I thought at first that it was simply catching up from a long semester with lots of my own school work on top of the responsibilities of being a mom. But, week after week, this tendency continues to assert itself, crowding out full enjoyment of almost any activity that takes me away from my "quiet spot." (Granted, my "quiet spot," home, is much less quite now that my three kiddos are out of school as well).

As I've been thinking about this draw to home, I've reflected on a quote from the book Traveling with Pomegranates. Here, Sue Monk Kidd makes a statement that resonates with me at the moment. She states, "At times like this, I feel the small curse of my introspective nature and its obstinate demands, how it wants to be allowed, wants my unhurried and undivided attention, how the moments of life insist on being metabolized and given expression. As usual, having failed to stop and tend to this unmitigated part of myself, it has stopped me." (p. 218).

Like the author, I'm tempted to push past my melancholy. To skip the searching and resting that my introverted nature requires at this time. But, in doing so, I deny part of who I am, who God made me to be. I push past my fundamental need to process, think, and absorb.

I've often wished that I wasn't an introvert, that I didn't have these tendencies. But I am, and I do. So, for today anyway, I give myself permission to stop and tend to myself. That decision sparks a sneaky little smile from my introverted self!

Summer Vacation!

My summer vacation began a few weeks back. That was a good thing as apparently I needed a full three weeks to be available for end-of-school activities for my kids. From Field Day, Reader's Theater's and parties, it's been a busy and fun few weeks, capped off last night by Aaron's 9th birthday celebrated at the Denver Aquarium. Much fun!

There's something truly wonderful about summer vacation in the eyes through the eyes of children. Who's not excited about 2 1/2 months off to swim, play and vacation? I consider myself very blessed at this stage of life to be able to join them!

Off to enjoy a lazy Saturday!

Celebrate!

The end of the semester is almost here and I have one (small) project left to submit. It's currently with an editor and should only take another half hour of my time once I get it back. So, I'm feeling in the mood to celebrate. Starting with a good book. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. I have a good 2 1/2 months to enjoy!

Even better than the end of the semester is the call I received last night from the school's art teacher. At the art show next week, Nate will be honored as "Art Student of the Year" for 1st grade boys! It has been a hard fought year for Nate (and me). We've worked on so many things on the academic side that I never once gave a second thought to how Nate was doing in his specials classes (art, music, p.e.) I had no idea that this is an area of success for him. I'm so excited for him.

Great weekend!

I can't believe it's been over a month since last posting. It's the busy time of the semester. Even though I'm only taking 4 credit hours, it still gets stressful.

I turn in my Hebrew paper tomorrow and then just have one project due after that. I am so excited for summer (not taking any classes)! I love the relaxed time to hang out with the kids and just enjoy life.

Eddie and I had a fabulous weekend away. We're at a transition point in our marriage. We now have elementary school children and I'm working my way (very, very slowly) back into the working world. In the midst of that, we're figuring out who we are as a couple again. We've had some bumps along the way over the last couple of years. Some of them big. We don't want those bumps to become what defines us, so we decided to do something about it.

We went on a marriage retreat through Marriage Encounter. I will be very upfront and tell you it's not really a retreat at all, except in getting away from your own home. It's not the traditional marriage seminar. It was really good for Eddie and I to take time for our relationship. I'm tempted to say we had a "great time." But, that doesn't really describe it. It was a worthwhile time. If you want or need to open up communication lines in your marriage, I encourage you to check out the link above. They are sponsored by various different denominations, so you can even choose a faith expression that fits best for you.

That's it for now. Hopefully, I'll come out of the cloud of school here shortly!

Ecclesiastes 9:11

This last few months have been challenging for us. We've made some changes in our life and along with that have had a series of health issues impacting both our immediate and extended families. As I reflected on these things and the constant attention they are requiring at the moment, I thought of a verse in Ecclesiastes that I studied for devotional a few weeks back. I've included the devotional below.

I turned and saw under the sun that the race does not (go) to the swift or the battle to the mighty;
neither does food (belong) to the wise, or riches to the ones with understanding, or favor to the ones with knowledge, for all of them will encounter time and chance. Ecc. 9:11

In Ecclesiastes, The Preacher wrestles with the complexity of life in a broken world and poignantly expresses his frustration. His disillusionment drives him to lay aside personal pursuits and instead find hope in God’s providence.

The observations in this scripture address the collision of idealism and reality, of the way life should play out compared against the way it actually does. The Preacher has observed life and taken note of injustices. The first illustrations he provides are the swift runner and the mighty warrior. Despite their arduous training, neither is guaranteed victory in their area of expertise. So it is in the examples of those who hold wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Their insight gains them no assurances in life, not even the most elementary physical need of food. The cause of these seemingly incongruous scenarios is found in the concluding line. “Time” and “chance,” factors outside the control of individuals, are the wild card that demolishes the hopes of those with whom it crosses paths.

This scripture should give each believer pause. Western Christianity is inevitably impacted by the individualistic, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” philosophy that is a part of our wider culture. A strong work ethic and diligence in cultivating wisdom are important (9:10), but placing hope in our own ability to succeed will only end in frustration. Time and chance are inevitable factors in this broken world. They push against assumptions of what is right and just and will eventually topple our tower of expectations, leaving us broken in the rubble. There is no formula that ensures success, no blueprint to repel difficulty. Instead, there is God who holds the righteous and the wise in His hands (9:1). It is from this perspective, that of being held in God’s own hand, that we are able to see past the apparent futility of life and find both divine satisfaction and fulfillment.

Church Visitors: What NOT to do

Visiting churches, especially when searching for a new faith community, is a varied and interesting process. As we've visited a couple churches in the last few weeks, and talked to several others who are experiencing similar situations, I simply had to share some things you don't want to do. You may never see these in a book, but they're important nonetheless!

1. Don't add one-time visitors to your church-wide e-mail distribution list. A nice "Hello, thanks for visiting..." e-mail is fine, but hold off on adding people to a general distribution list. Too much information too soon!

2. Don't ask parents to give their driver's license numbers, weight and other personal information in order to drop their kids off in the kids' church area.

3. Never chase first-time visitors out into the parking lot to give them a laminated card for their children to make check-in easier next week. Just don't do it.

4. If you offer sports programs as part of your church, don't serve communion to elementary school children during the program without talking to parents first. This message is especially for those of us from Evangelical backgrounds. Respect parents and families and save this for a different time and place.

With all these things in mind, I do have to say that we have been warmly welcomed at each place we visited. I have enjoyed this process and look forward, for the most part, of more visits to come. In the meantime, it's nice to have a bit of a laugh!

How about you? Have you had any similar church visiting experiences that stood out to you? I'd love to hear about it.

Spring

I love Spring. I generally prefer Fall, but the reality is that after the cold greys and browns of winter, I long for the the sun, warmer temperatures, and flowers of Spring.

This week has been a wonderful glimpse of Spring. I know Winter will show its face a bit more before Spring is here to stay. But, in the meantime, I'm soaking up the sunshine with a smile on my face!

Where are we going again? A look at Deuteronomy 8

A couple weeks back I posted about Deuteronomy 8:7. It really is a beautiful scripture.

For the Lord your God is bringing you to a good land, a land with streambeds (full of) water, springs and deep rivers flowing out from the valleys and the hills. (my translation)

This text and that immediately following are an example of God's desire to lavish provision on his people. The abundance of water, crops and minerals indicate a significant source of life and provision for their future. God had miraculously rescued Israel from slavery in Egypt and sustained them through forty years in the desert. He was now preparing to bring them into this land of promise. The verb "bringing" connotes ongoing rather than definitive activity. He has provided and sustained in difficult times, all the while preparing for this point of promise fulfillment. The land God has prepared for them is described as a "good land," full of good thing. The abundance of water is an indication that the land was a place they could flourish. The abundance of water is a welcome respite and a source of hope for those who have only known the arid climate of the wilderness. This verse indicates that God’s desire to bless and provide for his people flows as strong as the water promised to them in this new land.

God's promise here is profound. He sustained the Israelites through drought and slavery, simultaneously protecting and preparing them for the ultimate fulfillment of His covenant pledge. The final destination, the place to which God has been drawing them throughout this process, is overflowing with good things.

Deuteronomy is a message to God's covenant people and the promise is made to them as they end their time in the desert and prepare to take a hold of the promise made many generations ago to Abram. Believers generally consider heaven to be the "promised land" in the new covenant under Christ. It's often difficult to consider this world as the utopia described in this scripture. We see and hear about horrible tragedies and pervasive adversity on a daily basis. Brokenness is all around.

I wonder what the Israelites thought of God's promises as the labored in slavery to the Egyptians. I wonder if they questioned God's promise. I sure would have. We get a glimpse their reaction in Exodus 4:31. Moses returns to his people and tells them all that God has told him and shown him. They recognize that God was concerned about them and had seen their misery. They bowed down and worshiped him.

We don't always see it. In fact, there are times where there is nothing that we see that would register God's action in the events of our own lives or in the world. But here in Deut. 8:7, we see that God’s design is good and his activity in the course of life is palpable and continuous. It springs forth as a stream that will not dry up, flowing out of the deep well of God’s own character. We can trust God's character. When we can't see it, when the provision we need seems distant or non-existant, God is still working to accomplish his will.

The thing I was meant to do

I recently finished reading Traveling with Pomegranates. The authors, mother-daughter team of Sue Monk Kid and Ann Kidd Taylor, have written insightfully of their own journeys, both spiritual and physical.

As each story progressed, I found myself with much in common with Ann, at the time of the story a recent college grad trying to find her place and passion in life. A rejection letter from the graduate school of her choice catapulted her into a time of reevaluation. During this season, the voices of failure seemed to speak loudly to her, sending her into a season of depression. Over time, and with the support of her mother and boyfriend, she absorbs this loss and learns from it. Yet, finding and following her heart are no easy task. As she struggles with her calling, she makes an discerning observation, "Whatever it is I'm born to do, my fear of failing at it has almost become greater than my desire to figure out what it is." (p. 186) I've rolled this sentence over in my mind constantly since reading it. These could be my words. They definitely describe my thoughts.

She embraces her call - writing - and diligently works to develop her skills. The culmination is the publication of this book, the story of travels and of finding oneself. But just so people don't walk away thinking the resolution came easy, she notes in the conclusion that the book was published several years after the completion of their trips and her own personal discovery. She navigated the early years of marriage, the birth of her son and continued to nurse her own dreams until the time comes that she's ready.

Walking vicariously along on the journeys of this mother-daughter team, I was challenged to consider my own story. The various demands of time and attention appear to be a diversion, something in the way of achieving a dream. The desire to follow my own call seems at odds with the family I have chosen. But when I consider the pondering of Ann in the quote above, I realize that what I was born to do naturally and fundamentally includes both my personal dreams and the dreams I'm co-creating with my family. They are not divorced from each other, but somehow integrally woven together.

So it is with dreams. As much as most of us would love to have them come about in a vacuum, free of distraction, they work themselves out in the mundane of day to day life. It doesn't make it easy, but it certainly has its own reward!

Visiting Day 1

Today was the first of what I have dubbed our "visiting days." For the first time since leaving Grace, we worshiped with a new faith community.

Before traipsing through the snow, we gathered close in our car and said a quick prayer. We then proceeded up the long brick walk to the old high school building in which the church meets, a massive brick structure with ornate columns framing the expansive front doors. The building certainly has a presence about it. We had arrived early, so once we arrived we had a bit of time to look around. Shortly, we were greeted by one of the lead pastors, who walked us down to the children's area. We checked the kids in and proceeded to the service.

While worshiping, a deep sense of peace and joy enveloped me. We have just begun this journey. This will not be our last stop, but it could be. That in itself was a significant message to us today.

Mothering

I recently wrote a letter to a friend who is expecting her first child. I remember my first pregnancy. It was such a wonderful, special time. It was full of wonder and anticipation.

I had a difficult time writing the letter. I don't know how to put words on a page that describe what it is to be a parent, what it is to be a mother. It is beautiful and there are moments where that place of perfection is overwhelming. There are also moments when it is nothing like I ever dreamed it would be. It's messy, humbling, insanely repetitive. Mothering challenges my own selfishness. It can be difficult.

This week has been one of those where the beauty plays a secondary role to the the requirements I never expected. Those things I didn't think I had the strength for require strength from me. And somehow it happens. I'm able to do what I didn't think possible. Maybe that's the really amazing thing about being a mother. Somehow we draw power, wisdom and stamina to do what needs to be done on behalf of the lives entrusted to our care.

Where are we going again? A look at Deuteronomy 8

I distinctly remember being 15 years old and sitting in my room in our little rental house in Missoula, MT. The carpet as an old green shag and the window looked out to a pretty garden and the hills just outside the city. I opened my Bible, daring God to show me that he actually had a plan in the chaos of my life. We were just a couple nights away from our 3rd move in 2 years. That would be four different states and a total of five different Junior High and High Schools in that same period. I was angry and overwhelmed.

I flicked the Bible open to Deuteronomy, thinking God was going to have a pretty rough time talking to me through THAT book of the Bible. Little did I know...

I opened up to Deuteronomy 8 and stopped at verse 7, utterly amazed at what I read.

I am bringing you to a good land; a land of stream beds full of water, a land of springs and deep rivers flowing out from the valleys and the hills. (my translation).

That's one moment in my life that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God cared about me. I was an insecure, self-absorbed, desperate teen and God cared enough about me to meet me in that corner room with the shag carpet, to comfort me and let me know that despite the unknown and my personal fears, God was bringing me to a good place. And it was just that. It was a good place.

In the book of Deuteronomy, the people are called to "remember" what God has done for them over and over again. God had miraculously worked on behalf of the Hebrew people in bringing them out of Egypt, in providing for them in the wilderness and was now preparing them to enter the land of promise. The call to remember was essentially a call to worship. Remembering what God has done plays the same role in our lives. As I look into our future wondering what it will entail and feel those same sensations of insecurity I did way back when, I also remember the times God met me and guided me in the past. I can trust God. I know that the place I am going will be a "good land."

More thoughts on Deuteronomy 8 to come...

Trying this again!

I'm taking up blogging again. The reality is that life has been busy and blogging simply had to fall of the list.

We're entering a new stage of life at the moment and frankly, I need blogging again. Even as an introvert, I'm an external processor.

Sunday was our last day as official members of the church we've been part of for the last 11 years. It was the church we came to as newlyweds and the church that each of our children have grown up in. It was the community of believers I imagined us being part of for years to come. Through a series of events and emotions, both my husband and I came to the conclusion that God has closed this chapter of our life and it is time to embark on a new leg of the journey.

Did I mention that I enjoy comfortable surroundings and really don't relish change?

I am actually quite excited. We sincerely love the faith community we've been a part of. They have contributed to our lives and our spiritual development in amazing ways. We're excited about the future, though. We're taking some time "off" to pray and evaluate what it is that God is directing us towards. We're excited to include the kids in this process.

So, I'll be sharing the steps we take along the journey. This will again be my "stopping spot."