Sometimes life just really stinks...at least within our very human point of view. Now is one of those times in my life. Unfortunately, it's also that way in the lives of many I love.
Almost three weeks ago I spent several hours with my brother. My sister-in-law and I tried every method we could to convince him to ride home with us. The weather for the evening was perfect. Rain was coming down thick and heavy and it was cold. I shivered in the back seat. Maybe that didn't have to do with the weather, though.
I have never experienced anything quite like that night. In my brother's cycle of addiction, I'd always managed to have some excuse for him. Either the situation was really tough, his pain level was high, he didn't feel appreciated, etc, etc. In the midst of this, I knew he needed to make the right decisions, but I think I also glossed over much of the cycle as I didn't get it...or didn't want to.
This night was different, though. I experienced the crisis with my brother and sister-in-law rather than hearing about it later.
I had prayed with my brother earlier in the evening. I knew he was struggling, but didn't realize the degree. I wish he would have told me. I wish he would have allowed me to help...
I wish he would have allowed one of us to drive him home. We gave him the keys, thinking that by then he was sober enough to drive. My sister-in-law drove up on the accident. She called sobbing. She was afraid he was gone, forever. He made it through the accident with just a few scrapes. The consequences go much deeper than the scratches on his face, though.
I love my brother. He is my friend. We've spent hours at a time talking theology and church practice. We've encouraged each other, prayed for each other, shared our dreams and grown together. I see so much potential in my brother. He has an amazing vision and is one of the most intelligent people I've ever met. He is an alcoholic, but that is by far not who he really is. It's just so difficult to see through the effects of the addiction. It feels like he's in a cage and we can't get to him. We can't pull him out.
I want to pull him out. If I could figure out a way, I would. I know that this is his battle to fight, though. I don't know how to help, or even if I can. I wish this next bit were going to be easy. My prayer is for each one of us, and specifically for my brother, that God's hand is on us, guiding us and providing his wisdom in each step we take as well as each step we don't take.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Heavy Heart
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8 comments:
Amy, I'm sorry.....I'm glad he is okay from the accident and its my prayer he will be okay from his addiction at some point. I am a fully recovered alcoholic and addict - I know where he is so to speak. I also know where you are as I watch my daughter struggle with this damn disease over the past two years. Watching her struggle in some ways is ten times harder than going through it on my own........its just hard, all the way around. I will be thinking of you.
Amy, my heart cries with you. Sending you a hug and a prayer. My brother is also in a difficult place, though a different one.
Janice, thank you for your encouragement. I'm always excited to hear about those who have recovered. I will pray for you as you walk with your daughter. It is hard.
Jemila, thanks for coming along side. I appreciate you. I'll also pray for you. It's so difficult to watch those we love in tough places.
Thanks Amy. We covet all prayers. :) My story is quite remarkable - proof to me that God is truly alive and working....miracles abound. Been to hell and back so to speak and have now been to a whole new level, or experience, of hell as a parent -- one of the hardest things I have gone through in my life. Unimagineable. Truly overwhelming...and yet we are finally on the road to recovery, her own, and ours as a family dealing with her. I can't tell you (well I could...*smile*) how much we've been through and how utterly 'hopeless' it has seemed at times. I don't know 'how bad off' your brother is, but no matter how dark things seem (and believe me, we've seen dark) there is always hope. Its hard though because often there comes a time of letting go...but that might be a conversation for a different time. Just know that you have been in my thoughts and will continue to be, and your prayers for us would be appreciated. My dd is Jessica, and one of the things on our immediate prayer 'agenda' is that we can all forgive and move forward.....we didn't think she'd live under our roof againf or a VERY long time and she's actually coming home next Sunday. We're excited and scared at the same time. Its complicated, but well, actually anything you feel moved to bring before God on our behalf - I'm thankful.
Wow Janice, you will also be in my prayers this weekend.
Janice, thank you for sharing part of your story. One of my major prayers during this time has been for my mom. In many ways I'm on the periphery of what is happening. I'm affected, but more as an aftershock. My mom, sister-in-law and dad are pretty much at the epicenter. I cannot imagine walking one of my own children through this. I will continue to pray for you and with you. Especially for that forgiveness aspect...and for trust to move forward in relationships that are broken.
I'd be really interested in talking about this more, especially that aspect of letting go. If you're up to that at all, my e-mail is eaborjas at comcast dot net.
Thanks Jemila!!! And thanks Amy for corresponding with me on this. :)
Janice, thanks so much for sharing.
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