This prayer is from "The Divine Hours: Prayers for Springtime". I've been meditating on it quite a bit over the last few weeks.

Most Holy and Merciful Father:

I confess to you and the whole communion of saints in heaven and on earth,
that I have sinned by my own fault in thought, word and deed; by what I have
done and by what I have left undone.

I have not loved you with my whole heart, mind and strength. I have not
loved my neighbor as myself. I have not forgiven others as I have been
forgiven.
Have mercy on me, Lord.

I have been deaf to your call to serve as Christ served us. I have not
been true to the mind of Christ. I have grieved your Holy Spirit.
Have mercy on me, Lord.

I confess to you, Lord, all my past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy and
impatience of my life.
I confess to you, Lord.

My self-indulgent appetites and ways, and my exploitation of other people,
I confess to you, Lord.

My anger at my own frustration, and my envy of those more fortunate than I,
I confess to you, Lord.

My intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and my dishonesty
in daily life and work,
I confess to you, Lord.

My negligence in prayer and worship, and my failure to commend the faith
that is in me,
I confess to you, Lord.

Accept my repentance, O Lord, for the wrongs I have done: for my blindness to
human need and suffering, and my indifference to injustice and cruelty,
Accept my repentance, Lord.

For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward my neighbors, and for my
prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from me,
Accept my repentance, Lord.

For my waste and pollution of your creation, and my lack of concern for those
who come after us,
Accept my repentance, Lord.

Restore me, O Lord, and let your anger depart from me.
Favorably hear me, for your mercy is great.
Accomplish in me and in all of your church the work of your salvation,
That I might show forth your glory in the world.

By the cross and passion of your Son our Lord
Bring me with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.

God and Boundaries

I've always been a big believer in personal boundaries. In part, this is a result of being an introvert. I place pretty big boundaries around myself both in regard to time and emotional or intellectual sharing.

God seems to have gotten a hold of my boundaries this week. As my family walks through some tough times, I've been thinking about how to protect myself from the responsibility I feel or that I feel others expect from me. In the past, I've felt quite justified in placing these boundaries around myself and my immediate family. This time, though, I feel as if I've walked into a wall. Each time I attempt to walk forward with my plan, I am abruptly stopped. After many tries, I resigned myself to ask God, "What's up?" Much to my chagrin, I felt the answer to my question was, "When did I put up walls as I died on the cross for you?"

What...really...what do you say to that?

In my case, I said nothing. I sat down on the floor with my mouth hanging open and my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach. It was quite painful.

This scripture came to my mind as I contemplated my motivation and what God calls each of us to: "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. 'You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But, I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for thos who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven...If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not event he tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matt. 5:38-48

If we are called to love, actively love, our enemies, how much more so are we called to sacrifice for those we do love? If Jesus gave his life for me while I was still tainted with sin, how much more should I give of myself, even when the giving is not recipricol, convenient or comfortable? As a follower of Christ, do I really think that I have a right to put up walls that say, "You can come this far into my life and no farther," or "I will help this much, but until you measure up to my standards, I won't do more?" I'm convinced I don't have this right...not at all.

The reason I don't have this right is that my motivation is self-centered, not other-centered as we are called to be as followers of Christ. I'm concerned about protecting me and not concerned with the very real needs of others around me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not completely throwing boundaries out the window. Boundaries are essentially a good idea and quite necessary in navigating the variety of relationships each of us have in life. There are certainly times when very real and clear boundaries need to be put into place for the protection of ourselves or others around us. I am convinced, though, that I have abused the use of boundaries to serve myself rather than my Savior.

As I approach boundaries in the future, I pray for Divine wisdom as I seek the will of God and the service of others before the protection of my own comforts.

Emotional Health and the Christian

I'm trying to figure out what emotional health means to a follower of Christ.

We are called to love, to forgive, not to let the sun go down on our anger, when one cheek is slapped to allow the same for the other, when asked to carry a load one mile to offer two. Dwelling this list overwhelms me. I am failing miserably.

This week evidenced yet another cycle of abuse for a dear member of my family. I'm heartbroken that we're at this point again. I'm angry that the trust that has been built up and extended over the course of the last 6 months has been shattered. I'm scared that there is no hope, but long desperately for it. I'm tired. I'm so tired.

What is a Christian response in the midst of rough times? I'm not rejoicing in suffering, that much I know. I'm not wanting to offer to walk an extra mile, either. I want to protect myself. I want to set up a boundary, "I can go this far, but no further." I to protect myself from the pain, the hurt and the anger.

I think God understands how I feel. Right now, I think He is telling me to take a break and cuddle in his lap, my Abba. I think She is telling me that emotions are OK....that they are given by the Divine and are part of the way we reflect God's image. But, I'm not supposed to stop there. Grief and anger are human emotions that must ultimately submit to the God of the Universe. Without allowing that, they will become my gods and I will serve them.

Prayer for Friends

I'm thinking of several friends today who need my prayers.

Lord, for Angie and Jon, I pray peace, comfort and an embrace of grief as they mourn the loss of their baby. I also pray Your immense strength and hope into Angie's heart.

Lord, for Libby, I pray patience and a continued assurance and she and Roald wait for his liver transplant. I pray strength for Libby as she balances three children and a husband who's health continues to decline.

Lord, I pray for Brad and Katie. They have fought hard, with your help, to hang on to life, marriage and faith. I pray that you bring a time of blessing, of fun and healing into their lives.

Lord, I pray for Patty as she's lost her father and has received news of the immenent passing of mother and step-father. Bring strength and peace to her heart and mind. Bring hope to a heart overcome with mourning.

Lord, surround all my friends with your presence today. Touch them, draw them to you and bring comfort to their lives.

Amen

God as Creator

I've been on a quest lately. Many of the ways in which I thought about God and about faith have come into question for me this past year. It's not that I'm questioning my faith, but questioning how I think about faith. How do I define God? Based on that, how do I relate to and with God. How should a relationship with God change me and how I interact with others? I'd operated in auto-pilot for years and just took the controls back into my hands and am trying to figure out where I'm at.

I long to know God. Not who I want God to be (although I have to say that effects me more so than I'd like to admit), but who the Divine is. In that quest, I also want to know who I am in relationship to the Divine. So, I'm embarking on a personal study this year. I'm going to look at the names and descriptions of God in the bible.

Today, I'm starting at the beginning, at Creation. Growing up in a conservative church, I've always been taught Creationism or Intelligent Design and pretty much mocked Evolution. Quite frankly, I don't know enough about the arguments of either side to present the case well. For me, though, it is not necessary to understand creation as a literal seven-day process in order to maintain the integrity of the story and it's purpose in relating God's work.

God as Creator is just that, creative. It amazes me to look at the world around me and imagine that this all started as a so-call "spark" in God's eye. Imagination at its finest. The intracies of a snowflake. The rugged cliffs of a mountain. The various species of animals and plants that live together and create a stable ecosystem. You just can't top God for creativity. But more than just creating, God created for relationship and called creation good. That personal side, the side that desires for relationship, that works throughout history to reconcile creation to back to the Creator, is unfathomable to me. How do I approach a God that is both transcendent and immanent, Being that is both beyond comprehension and yet also within the limits of comprehension? I think creation gives a peak into this mystery. God is beyond creation because he is the Creator. At the same time, God creates to fill his need and describes it as good. At this point, the Creator steps into creation. The Divine walks with Adam and Eve in the garden. God is within human experience.

How does this change me, then? If I'm made in God's image, then I'm also a creator. As a woman, I naturally think of my children. The process of each of them growing inside me and then making their debut into the world is amazing. I wonder if God weaped with joy when I was born the way I did for my oldest? I also think that creator is more than making, it's creative energy. Energy, I think, to serve and care for Creation.

Divine Creator, move in me. You are beyond my knowledge, yet you reveal yourself to me. You love me, the created. As the Creator, you call me to love your creation. Use the creative energy you have placed in me to do your will on the Earth. Amen.

What I Will Tell My Children

Tonight I participated in a very moving ceremony at our church entitled "Rites of Passage". For the last few years our church has sought to include youth in the corporate life of the church. Rites of Passage is the beginning of this quest. Over the course of a weekend, a youth (age 13-20 something) and her parents attend several special meetings culminating in a ceremony on Monday night with the congregation that welcomes her into adulthood. The youth have an opportunity to pray with their parents, with board members and with the pastor. It is truly powerful to participate in this process with these youth.

My heart soared tonight.

The speaker called the young men to stand and spoke into their lives. He called them to be men of responsibility, men with whom the women at the church could feel comfortable and safe. He called them to be warriors. He said they were made in God's image and God was a Warrior.

The speaker called the young women to stand and spoke into their lives. He called them to be women of virtue, princesses, daughters of the King. He told them that they should guard themselves lest they cause God's warriors to stumble. He encouraged them to behave modestly and to dress modestly. He told them that there were parts of their bodies only their husbands should ever see and that they shouldn't wear pants too low or shirts too low-cut. He didn't tell the young women that they are made in God's image. He didn't tell them a lot...

My heart broke tonight.

I wanted to stand and tell them! I wanted to hold their faces in my hands, look into their eyes and tell them that they are created in the image of God! Someone tell them that they are called to be God's warriors! They are called to love with God's unending compassion. They are called to so much more than they were told tonight. I know that's what our church body wants to tell them as well. It's just that so often conservative Christianity has underlying assumptions that we don't think about. We don't think about the subtle and not-so-subtle messages we give our children and how their faith is formed around these messages.

Tonight, I think of what I will tell my children; my two sons and my daughter:

You are created in the image of the Divine God. God has called you. You are to be passionate and you are to be strong in character. You are to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves and you are to shelter them under your wings like a mother hen. God wants you to use your gifts, the gifts given by him, to serve others and show them his mercy and love. You are to give of yourself in order to be made whole. You are called.

I pray for my all my children a faith strong enough for doubt, a will that seeks without end and a heart that loves without boundaries.

5 Things You Didn't Know about me

I thought it would be fun to join in on the "5 things" as tagged on EW...

1. I've lived in 6 different states (Washington, Idaho, Montana, Utah, Missouri and Colorado) and moved over 20 times in my mere 30-somthing years. This including living in 4 states in the matter of two years between 8th and 10th grades. This has resulted in an overall longing for stable relationships in my life as well as a pretty strong reliance on myself...two things that don't gel all that well.

2. I married a hispanic man, thus giving my children the skin-tone I always wish for! (I'm a red-head, thus meaning most people need to wear sunglasses when looking my way as I strut my stuff in a swimsuit)!

3. My most embarassing moment was while working as a secretary at a church and the youth pastor went to pull a hair off my the back of my shirt, only to have me yelp "Ow!" Apparently the 3-inch long specimen was attached...

4. I'm a bit of a nerd at heart. I love reading, thinking and discussing philosophy and theology. I used to get frustrated that I wasn't skilled at sports or other stuff that my friends seemed to be into, but am learning to really appreciate and embrace who I am and what I do well.

5. I was once voted most likely to become the first woman General Superindent (I think that's the name of head office) for the Assemblies of God. He, he, he! This, of course, was not from a reliable organization, yet the dream lives on... :)