Waiting

A few weeks back, I referred to waiting (specifically, my poor success at it).

Back in March, I had a tough and very needed conversation with a friend and coach. In this conversation, I was challenged in some assumptions as well as the working out of some of my deepest hopes and dreams. It was painful as I had to look some stuff in the mirror and acknowledge my own weaknesses as well as some significant concerns I've had that I have attempted to just put to the side.

In the days following this conversation, I began to reorganize. I searched for options, formulated back up plans of all kinds and in general made myself miserable trying to control the circumstances around me. At that point, my spirit, and God's Spirit working in me said "wait." So I have.

About that time, I picked up a new book Finding My Way Home by Henri Nouwen. It's a little, easily read book. It also, unplanned by me, has a chapter entitled "The Pathway to Waiting". In this chapter, Nouwen draws an unlikely and powerful link between waiting and Christ's Passion, His death on the cross. He states,

Passion is a kind of waiting - waiting for what other people are going to do... Jesus went to Jerusalem to put people in a position where they had to say "Yes" or "No." That is the great drama of Jesus' passion; he had to wait for their response. What would they do? Betray him or follow him? In a way, his agony is not simply the agony of approaching death. It is also the agony of being out of control and having to wait. It is the agony of a God who depends on us to decide how to live out the divine presence among us. It is the agony of the God who, in a very mysterious way, allows us to decide how God will be God. Here we glimpse the mystery of God's incarnation. God became human not only to act among us but also to be the recipient of our responses.

The timing of this book was beautiful. I don't generally wait. I'm not a procrastinator and I love to check off boxes for completed assignments or projects. But, I feel that with this situation, I have taken a seat on the floor, legs crossed and hands open and asked my Creator, my Provider and my Friend to join me. We haven't talked much. Just sat side by side in a holy space, being. It has been an escape from my own drivenness and need to control. It has been a space for communion with the One who knows me best and a time of peace. In taking the time to wait, I have been able to acknowledge God who has waited for me. God has met me, comforted me, challenged me and brought wholeness to my spirit.

I know this time or style of waiting is coming to a close. My communion with God has become more active and circumstances require movement. I'm captivated by the lingering feeling of peace, though. Maybe there's a way to exist with one foot in the action necessary for the movement of life and another in this place reverent waiting.